


this is not a chick flick

by yuletide_archivist



Category: Greek and Roman Mythology
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2008-12-21
Updated: 2008-12-21
Packaged: 2018-01-25 04:12:58
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,024
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1630874
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yuletide_archivist/pseuds/yuletide_archivist
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Story by bookesque</p><p>In which Hades awkwardly tries to woo Persephone to his side, while the Olympian gods offer unhelpful advice and prove they know nothing about love.</p>
            </blockquote>





	this is not a chick flick

**Author's Note:**

> Written for anotherjuxtaposition

 

 

This is not a romantic story, despite what the bards may croon about Persephone's delicate beauty and pale bosom or Hades' flashing grey eyes. When a doting wife mistily reminiscences about how her husband swept her off her feet, that statement should not be followed by "and into the very gates of the Underworld itself, where he forced me to languish for nearly a year until my mother threatened to annihilate the whole world into a nuclear winter if I didn't make it home by curfew." Do not bother seeking out the muses for the truth, as they will sing of a tragedy so heartbreaking that it will undoubtedly leave their audience in tears, all composed out of falsehoods and lies. As so often happens, the reality of the lives of Hades and Persephone cannot possibly compare to the epic saga that our imaginations have concocted. 

This is not a romantic story. But it is a story of love, nonetheless.

**scene one: a comedy of errors (or maybe an error of comedy)**

It began as so many great romances do, with their eyes first meeting across a crowded room. Hades didn't venture above his realm often, but it had been the celebration of the birth of yet another god's bastard child, and it was generally considered bad form for a major deity to not show up (although Hades remained completely lost as to why anyone would want the god of the _dead_ at a _birth_ ). As for Persephone, Demeter had caught a farmer boy making eyes at her and now refused to let go of her daughter's arm, firmly dragging the protesting girl everywhere she went. Much like how a mosquito can detect blood from over fifty yards away, so the two immediately sensed the presence of a fellow reluctant partygoer and quickly shared a sympathetic glance, followed by the universal eyeroll for "Can you believe this dump?"

It was not exactly love at first sight, unless by 'love', one means 'sudden and excruciating agony in the left thigh'. 

Hades bit his tongue against the howl of pain and shock threatening to emerge - because when one is the dark and mysterious god of death, there are certain appearances one must keep - and instead lunged forward, grabbing his assailant by the hair and lifting him off his feet.

"You," he growled at the adorable curly-haired tot, "have just earned yourself the honor of being Cerberus's next snack."

"Eros! There you are!" Aphrodite swept by in a dizzying flurry of silk and sweet perfume, picking up her child from Hades' grip and bouncing him gently in her arms. "Was oo being a naughty boy den?" she cooed at the toddler, who burbled a little too happily for someone who was about to get eaten.

"That little Gorgon-spawn of yours," Hades hissed, "just _stabbed_ me in the leg. I don't think naughty even begins to cover the amount of trouble he's in."

Aphrodite eyed the wound and clucked her tongue. "There's only a little ichor, Hades, don't be such a baby." She yanked out the weapon and examined it critically. Her eyes widened. "Oh. Oh, dear."

Hades paled at the sight of the delicate golden arrow. "Aphrodite, please tell me that is an arrow of hate and not the _other_ kind."

"Afraid not, darling." Her sympathetic tone was belied by the suspicious twitching in her lips. "Who were you just looking at?" Hades couldn't help but dart a quick glance at Persephone, who was currently chattering amicably with Artemis. To his terror, the sound of her laughter sent a rush of heat flooding throughout his body.

He whirled around, seizing Aphrodite's clothes and dragging her face towards his. "Fix this," he snarled. " _Now_." Several tables away, Ares rose from his chair threateningly; Hades shot him a murderous glare and he meekly sat back down, pretending to have accidentally dropped his goblet.

Aphrodite, to her credit, showed no signs of fear whatsoever and instead tittered amusedly at him. "There's no cure for love, Hades, and there never will be. You'll just have to suffer through it like the rest of us." She brushed herself off and grinned cheekily at Hades' expression of wrath and horror. "Oh, cheer up, handsome. You may actually enjoy it once you lighten up." She sauntered away, giggling, while Hades made a strangled noise of rage behind her.

Hades stared at Aphrodite's retreating back in despair. "This day," he moaned, "cannot possibly get any worse."

"Hello, _brother_."

Hades closed his eyes and silently cursed whatever mortal had invented the concept of _eironeía_. Exhaling slowly, he turned around and pasted a smile on his face. "Demeter, how lovely to see you again." His traitorous heart sped up as his gaze landed on Persephone, who elbowed her mother sharply and glanced apologetically at him.

"I believe," Demeter said around gritted teeth, "that you have not yet had the pleasure of meeting my daughter. Persephone, this is your _Uncle_ Hades."

Hades winced slightly as Demeter stressed the word 'uncle', but managed to hide it with a bow. "It is an honor to make -"

" _We_ ," Demeter interrupted loudly, "noticed that you were having a bit of a tiff with Aphrodite and wanted to make sure that you were all right."

Hades blinked. "Well, I -"

"Good! In that case, we really must be leaving now. Come, Persephone, let us go talk with Artemis again. I'm sure she has much to teach you." 

Persephone flashed Hades a wry smile as her mother dragged her away, causing the god's breath to catch in his throat. Right, Hades abruptly decided. Enough was enough. He was going to go home, sleep off whatever affliction Aphrodite's wretched son had cast, and _never think about this again._

**scene two: someday my prince will come (or a knight, or a serf - look, someone show up, okay?)**

Only, it wasn't that easy.

"I can't stop _thinking_ about her! It's been a month and all I do is wonder what she's doing, where she is, how she's feeling. I can't sleep, I can't eat, I can barely even work - tell me what to do to make this all _go away_!"

Apollo stared, wide-eyed, as Hades stormed around his cavern, his normally sleek black hair ruffled from the number of times he'd pulled on the strands in frustration. "While I sympathize with your plight, uncle, I fail to see how any of your troubles have to do with me. Why did you call down here?"

Hades pointed a shaking finger at the bewildered god of light. "You. Rumor has it that Eros also managed to shoot you with one of his cursed arrows. You're quite knowledgeable in the area of medicine - what sort of potion or remedy did you brew up to heal yourself?"

Apollo gave Hades a kind and vaguely condescending smile. "Really, Hades, you should know by know that there is no cure for lo-"

" _Don't. Don't even say it_."

Apollo eyed Hades' black scowl warily and wisely decided to change tactics. "It seems to me, uncle, that instead of concentrating on how to rid yourself of your . . . ailment, you could focus your attentions on more productive activities. Have you thought about actually courting Persephone?"

Hades laughed bitterly. "Surely you must be joking. She is the daughter of fertility and spends her days frolicking about in sunshine and meadows. I rule the dead and live in the Underworld. What could she possibly ever want to do with me?"

"That's simply not true!" Apollo burst out, grasping Hades hands and gazing earnestly at his eyes. "Any girl would be lucky to be your consort, Hades! You fought valiantly alongside your brothers against the great and terrible Titans, you have dominion over a third of the entire world, and although you may seem cruel and callous on the outside, I know that your heart is compassionate and kind, as you proved when you allowed Sisyphus to return to the world of the living and reunite with his wife."

"First of all," Hades hissed, jerking his hands away, "I thought we agreed never to talk about Sisyphus _ever again_. Secondly, if you touch me one more time, I will cut off your arms and throw them into the river Styx. And finally, how would I even go about courting her?"

"Well, how does one go about courting any woman?" Apollo laughed. "Surely you've done this before!" He faltered under Hades' glare. "You have . . . haven't you?" Hades didn't deign to respond, but his pale cheeks flushed under Apollo's stunned expression. An awkward silence passed, as Apollo's face slowly grew closer and closer to that of an owl's and Hades looked everywhere but directly at the sun god. The moment shattered when Apollo leapt to his feet, starry-eyed. "Clearly, it is Destiny that has lead me here today!" he declared loudly. "For, you see, I am an expert at the art of winning a maiden's love! No woman has ever resisted me before, and the Fates have seen to it that I share my gifts with you today to help guide you on your quest for True Love!"

Hades, who had actually met the Fates before, was considerably less enthused at the idea of the old crones gossiping about his love life. And besides, "Since when are you an expert in love? Didn't that one nymph turn herself into a tree rather than -"

"NO WOMAN HAS EVER RESISTED MY CHARMS," continued Apollo loudly, "and by following my advice, rest assured that Persephone will swoon at your feet when you're through!"

And really, it was a sign of how badly Eros' poison affected his judgment that Hades, instead of ordering Cerberus to chase the idiot out, instead said resignedly, "Very well. What will you have me do?"

"Well, because you are a beginner, you should start with the basics," Apollo decided grandly. "Leave tokens by her bedside. Flowers are nice. Love poetry expressing the True Feelings in your Heart are an absolute necessity as well!"

Hades gagged. "Poetry? Are you serious?"

"Poetry," Apollo said firmly. "Also, do you still have that helm of invisibility? You could sneak into her bedroom at night and watch her sleep!"

Hades stared at the other god, bewildered. "Why on earth would I want to watch her sleep?"

"Trust me," Apollo assured him. "Girls love that sort of stuff. It's all very romantic."

And so began Hades' courtship of the beautiful Persephone.

He ignored most of Apollo's 'helpful' tips. Poetry, for example, was instantly out. Hades' had gotten as far as "Violets are blue" before tossing the scraps of parchment into a heap and setting it on fire. And he certainly wasn't about to go crawling to the Muses for inspiration - those girls couldn't keep a secret to save their lives. He did try watching Persephone sleep once, but after about ten minutes, got so thoroughly creeped out that he had to take a swim in the river Styx to wash the slimy feeling away from his skin. 

Flowers, though. Flowers, he could do. The flowers that grew in the underworld were nearly transparent until held up towards the moonlight, which infused the delicate petals with a silvery, ethereal glow. Apollo had groaned in despair when he found out that Hades was leaving the flowers by Persephone's pillow every night - "They look like _stems_! There's no color! They're something my _sister_ would like!" - but Persephone would smile and wear the flowers in her hair the next morning, so really, things were looking up for Hades. And after three weeks of going around with a strangely warm and fluttery sensation in his chest (according to Apollo's medical expertise, it was something called _happiness_ ), Hades decided to take the next big step before this unusual burst of happiness disappeared. 

He would ask Persephone's father for her hand in marriage.

**scene three: meeting the family (the family hates you)**

Really, the entire abduction fiasco had been Zeus's fault to begin with. Not that this was in any way surprising, seeing how most of the great catastrophes of the both the earth and heavens could be traced back to Zeus drunkenly declaring, "Hey, look what I can do!" before blindly stumbling over his own feet and accidentally launching a thunderbolt into the stratosphere. Nonetheless, Hades wanted to get this courtship done right, and (according to Apollo, at least) that meant seeking permission from the parents. 

"Brother!" Zeus shouted cheerfully as Hades approached his throne. "It's so rare to see you up in Olympus these days! What brings you here?"

"Zeus." Hades cleared his throat. "Would it be possible to discuss things with you more . . . privately?"

Zeus beamed at him. "Of course! Just let me finish things up here." He thrust twice more into the whimpering and panting nymph splayed beneath him before shuddering to a halt. He straightened up, dismissing the nymph with a wave of his hand, before sauntering over to his brother and trailing a seductive hand down Hades' chest. "We can," Zeus purred, "retire to my bedchambers if you wanna be _alone_." He licked a path up Hades' neck and bit gently on his earlobe, growling. Hades would have been rather traumatized had this not been the standard way that Zeus greeted _everyone_. Even so, he shuddered with disgust and took a step back pointedly, keeping his eyes firmly above ground. 

"I'm serious, Zeus," Hades admonished his younger brother. "I need to talk to you and _would you please stop fondling my ass?!"_

Zeus pouted. "You're always so formal, Hades. No fun at all." Nevertheless, he backed off and sprawled indolently on his throne, sipping on a goblet of nectar. "Very well, then. What's so important that it's actually drawn you out of your cave?"

"I would like permission," Hades said stiffly, "to take one of your daughters as my consort."

Zeus sat up eagerly. "Really? You? You're finally showing some interest in sex?" His eyes grew suspiciously moist and he choked, wiping away a tear. "I am _so proud_ of you, Hades! I knew this day would come! Of course you may have my daughter! Take as many as you want! Unless," Zeus's face abruptly twisted into a thunderous rage, "you're not talking about _Artemis_ , are you?"

"No, no," Hades reassured him hastily - Zeus's fierce protection over the virtue of his favorite daughter was nearly as infamous as his complete and utter disregard over the virtue of everything else. "I speak of Persephone, Demeter's child."

"Oh." Zeus relaxed. "Well, in that case, go right ahead!"

"I am afraid it is not that easy," Hades sighed. "I fear that Demeter will not be nearly so acquiescent to the thought of relinquishing her daughter over to me."

There was a pause as Zeus mouthed the words 'acquiescent' and 'relinquishing' to himself before shaking his head. "No, you're definitely right. No way Demeter will be happy about this."

"Will you talk to her, then?" Hades pleaded. "She may be more willing to listen to your arguments than to mine."

Zeus pondered for a moment before snapping his fingers. "I've got a better idea. You should kidnap Persephone!"

Hades choked. _"What?"_

"It's a brilliant plan!" Zeus exclaimed proudly. "That way you get Persephone, and I don't have to deal with our sister!" He shivered. "She's hot, but she scares me almost as much as Hera does."

Hades stared at him, flabbergasted. "I'm not going to _kidnap_ a girl," he said slowly, "just because you're too much of a _weakling_ to talk to one!"

"Why not?" Zeus reasoned. "Women _love_ being swept away by a god. It's considered as an honor! Why, when I abducted Europa from her home, we made passionate love for nine hours straight!"

"You know what?" Hades scowled. "Forget about it. I'm going to go talk to Demeter and have a _mature_ conversation, the way that _mature_ gods are supposed to, and I'm sure that after a while she'll come around to my side."

And that seemed to be the end of it, until Hades actually managed to gather enough courage to confront Demeter, upon which the goddess flew into a shrieking hurricane of fury, ripped out a tree trunk with her bare hands and cracked it against Hades' skull, before promptly relocating her daughter into a small isolated forest where she assigned nymphs to guard her every hour of the day. And as Hades paced his caverns furiously, glaring at his chariot while his hand nursed the knot on the back of his head, all of a sudden, kidnapping Persephone didn't seem like such a bad idea after all.

(Here is the one part where the reality matches the art. The appearance of Hades' four ebony- black horses emerging from an enormous crack in the ground and dragging with them his majestic flaming chariot did make for a rather awe-inspiring sight. Of course, the artists ignored the part where the horses shuffled around awkwardly for half an hour, waiting for Persephone to arrive. There is also, curiously, no mention of Hades descending back into the Underworld with Persephone firmly in tow, when one of the wheels caught on a rock and snapped off. Still, the actual abduction was quite impressive.)

Persephone, oddly enough, was not exactly happy about being suddenly yanked into the underworld, as Hades quickly realized. He had deposited her into her new chambers and given her a few hours to cool off. When he returned to check up on how she was doing, he found her curled up against Cerberus, weeping into his flank while one of his heads gently licked her face and the other two gave Hades a reproachful look. Various fauna sprouted up from where her tears had hit the floor. 

Hades cleared his throat. "While I understand that you are upset, Persephone," and upon hearing Hades' voice, Persephone whirled around and spat in his face. Hades calmly wiped the spittle away onto the floor, where it instantly blossomed into a cheerful tomato plant, and continued, "I hope that you will soon see that I have much to offer - _oof_."

Persephone, Hades reflected as he sank to the ground weakly, his hands clutching his groin, had clearly spent too much time with Artemis. He never realized that a knee could move so fast before. Through his haze of tears and blinding pain, he saw Persephone storm out furiously, her feet stomping hard on Hades' prone back as she left. Cerberus barked gleefully.

"Oh, shut up," he snapped at the hound, whose tongues hung out from all three heads in doggy laughter. "Rolling over for whatever pretty girl is willing to scratch your ears? You big _puppy_."

**scene four: the awkward first date (will probably not lead to a second one)**

Other than Hermes, the Olympian gods generally avoided the Underworld, only making appearances in cases of emergency (or a ridiculous amount of blind faith, in Apollo's case). So when Cerberus began to utter his special 'I may not be able to tear you limb from limb, but that doesn't mean I have to _like_ it' growl, Hades quickly left his throne room and made his way to the entrance of his domain. "Hera," he greeted coldly, tilting his chin up in preparation for a fight. "I suppose you're here to ask for Persephone's return?"

Hera snorted. "Are you kidding? Keep the poor girl for all I care - it's one less person for Zeus to fuck, anyway. No, I've come to deliver this," and here she waved her hand imperiously at the massive urn beside her. "An infinite supply of ambrosia, since she certainly can't eat any of the food in your realm. Unless you plan on winning Persephone's love through starvation?"

Hades sighed, the tension running out of his shoulders. "No, of course not," he said, subdued. He picked up the urn gingerly, wincing as the movement aggravated his wounds.

Hera eyed the various cuts and scratches along Hades' body and smiled scornfully. "Well, you've gone and made quite a fine mess of events, haven't you? Unless, of course, the sex is much, much better than I thought." 

Hades scowled. "I offered her a throne alongside of mine and she threw a chamber pot at my head. I didn't know we even _had_ chamber pots down here. I thought most women would kill to be queen! I know it's one of the main reasons why you're still with Zeus - "

"It's the _only_ reason why I'm still with Zeus," Hera interjected frostily.

"Exactly! So where did I go wrong?"

"Really, Hades, you disappoint me." Hera cocked her hands on her hips and pursed her lips. "I thought you were one of the smarter gods and actually capable of considering the consequences of your actions. This flea-brained kidnapping ruse of yours sounds more like something my husband would concoct." She raised her eyebrow at Hades' sudden coughing fit. " _But_ ," she continued gently, "I've always liked you. You're not as selfish and insensitive as some of the gods I could care to mention - and I'm sure that, in time, Persephone will see that too."

"How long?" Hades asked plaintively. "How long do you think it will take before she forgives me?"

"For whisking her away from everything she's ever known and loved? I'd say probably about forever." She bared her teeth in a grin, all traces of softness gone. "Good thing the both of you are immortal, eh?"

Hades glowered at her and tried to pull together the remaining shreds of his dignity. "If you'll excuse me," he said haughtily, "I believe I have a delivery to make." He retreated back into his realm, the sound of Hera's mocking laughter echoing behind him. Grumbling about snooty goddesses and their snooty ways, he teleported himself and the urn to Persephone's chambers and knocked on the door.

"Persephone? Persephone!" No response. Hades sighed, disappointed but expecting nothing else. "Hera dropped off some ambrosia for you. I'll leave it outside in case you get hungry." He began to leave, dejected, but spun around again when he heard the door crash open behind him, hope fluttering hard within his chest. "Persephone? Did you change your - _nghhhhk_."

Persephone stood gloriously naked before him, a canvas of pale skin and soft curves, her long blonde tresses tumbling free behind her back and silhouetting her slender body, her ample breasts proudly on display. "Well, go on then," she spat. "What are you waiting for?"

"Waiting for?" Hades repeated dumbly, and was quite proud of himself when his voice did not crack.

"This," Persephone gestured at her body and Hades' eyes followed her hands like a dog with a bone, "is what you wanted, isn't it? In that case, sleep with me tonight and return me to my mother when you are finished. That way, everyone winds up happy."

"I don't want this!" Hades burst out. He backpedaled frantically at the sight of Persephone's dangerously narrowed eyes. "That is, you're very beautiful, but I don't want - well, I _do_ want - what I mean to say is, I would never take a woman by force!"

"That is the whole point of this, is it not? I give myself to you willingly, and you have my word that I will not seek retribution from Artemis or any other deity."

"That's not what I'm worried about!" Hades tore his eyes away from Persephone's body and fixated his gaze firmly on the ceiling. "I apologize for giving you the impression that I am merely after a quick tumble," he said quietly. "In time, I hope to convince you that my feelings run far deeper than that."

Persephone stared at Hades for a minute, speechless, before slapping him and slamming the door shut in his face. Hades' gaze remained locked on the ceiling as he raised a hand to his stinging cheek.

Well. At least she had hit him only with enough force to redden, and not to bruise. Plus, she hadn't called him a 'festering boil resulting from the copulation between a centaur and a slug'. Clearly, some improvement had been made.

**scene five: true beauty is true (money doesn't matter except when it totally does)**

Hermes watched amusedly as Hades gloomily accepted the new batch of souls, somehow managing to appear even more depressed than usual. "Still no luck with Persephone, then?"

"She's stopped hitting me," mumbled Hades miserably. "Now she just refuses to acknowledge my presence at all. I'm not sure if that's better or worse."

Hermes threw a friendly arm around Hades' shoulder. Normally, this would be Hades' cue to promptly dunk whoever was touching him into the river Styx before whistling for Cerberus, but Hermes was the only god that Hades ever saw on a regular basis and thus possessed a higher tolerance for. The two had developed a sort of comradeship; Hades had even once admitted reluctantly that perhaps Hermes wasn't as stupid and insufferable as every other god on the planet.

"You know," Hermes remarked off-handedly, "I tried to woo Persephone once myself."

Then again, Hades amended his previous thought, glaring furiously at the ground, Hermes had always been a bit of a snot. Who needed a trickster god anyway? Iris could certainly fulfill the role of messenger quite easily, which freed Hermes up for other jobs, like flying target practice.

"Relax," Hermes laughed at Hades' black scowl. "I'm certainly not pursuing her anymore. The point is, Persephone was never interested in me to begin with, and why should she be? I am merely a minor god of thieves with little to offer. But you - you are the ruler of the _dead_! You have more subjects under your control than Zeus or Poseidon ever will! What you need to do is make Persephone see just how lucky she is to have you choose her, out of all the millions of nymphs and mortals and goddesses, to be your wife!"

"How do I do that?" Hades asked, wide-eyed.

Hermes chuckled. "It is all about presentation, my friend. Flattery is key. Make her feel special, beloved, like - well, like a goddess, and she'll soon believe you to be special as well. Tell me, what gifts did you adorn her with during your courtship?"

Hades brightened up. "I gave her asphodel flowers a couple of times."

"Asphodel? _Asphodel_?" Hermes cried, clutching his heart and staggering backwards dramatically. "Hades, if you ever want to win Persephone's affections, you must _never tell her that_. What can such a plain flower do compared to such beauty? You must grant her the moon, the stars, and the sun if you are ever to hold a place in her thoughts!"

"I don't think Selene or Helios would be too happy about that . . . ."

Hermes sighed. "It was simile, my friend. Which brings me to my next point." He slung his arm around Hades again, pulling him in close. "Let me teach you," he breathed into Hades' ear, "about the power of _rhetoric_."

And so it was that, several days later and armed with obsequious catchphrases from the silver- tongued trickster, Hades proudly presented his beloved with three gorgeous extravagant gifts designed to melt any woman's heart. 

"What is this?" Persephone asked distastefully, fingering the enormous bouquet of flowers that Hades offered on bended knee.

Hades straightened up and took a deep breath. "These," he said smugly, pointing at various plants as he talked, "are saffron flowers used by Zeus to woo Europa to his side, aster flowers grown straight from the tears of the starry Asterea, roses hand-crafted by Aphrodite from the body of a nymph, irises carried by Iris herself on her rainbow, orchids created from the blood of centaurs, and finally," he finished with a flourish, gesturing at the golden flower that lay at the center of the masterpiece, "the original narcissus, transformed from the corpse of the beautiful and vain man who drowned himself reaching for his reflection, proving that first impressions are not necessarily the correct ones, not that I'm hinting at anything in particular."

Persephone stared at the flowers, wearing a half-amused and half-resigned expression. "They're very pretty, but . . . ."

"Wait!" Hades interrupted her hurriedly. "Before you make any judgments, I have another surprise." He dragged forward a terrified man who was clutching onto a lyre so tightly that his palms bled from where his fingernails had dug in. "I would like to introduce you to Orpheus, the most talented musician who has ever and will ever walk the earth. He has _graciously_ offered to perform some of his songs, which are so beautiful that they have caused nymphs and gods to weep, in return for his wife and _what do you think you are doing_?"

Persephone finished shredding the bouquet into tiny pieces and calmly brushed the tattered petals off her clothes. "Orpheus, was it?" she murmured, smiling sweetly at the trembling man and causing Hades to squeeze the musician's wrist so tightly that he felt the bones grind under his hands. "Your services are no longer required here. You are free to leave, as well as your wife."

Orpheus darted a panicked glance at Hades, whose face twisted into a thunderous rage before he exhaled loudly, rubbing his temples. "Well, you heard her," he snapped. "Go! And remember, don't look back!" he shouted after the man's rapidly retreating back. He snorted to himself. "He'll look back. They always do. I take it you are still angry at me, my lady?"

"Absolutely furious," Persephone informed him frankly. "And you're certainly not going to win my forgiveness by giving me flowers plucked from some other god's garden and bribing a guy into singing for me!" She frowned. "What was the idea behind that ridiculous bouquet, anyway? Whatever happened to those ghostly flowers you used to leave by my bedside?"

"The asphodel?" Hades replied automatically, still staring wistfully at where Orpheus had vanished before his mind caught up with his mouth. He froze. "Er, that is, what are we talking about again?"

"I knew it!" Persephone exclaimed triumphantly. "I knew those flowers were from you! Why didn't you bring me a bouquet of those instead?"

"Er, erm," Hades stammered, trying to imitate the Hermes' flattering language, "that is, obviously, the plainness of those flowers are not worthy to be near the presence of such a glorious beauty as yourself." He couldn't help but feel slightly nauseated by the words spilling out of his mouth and, judging by Persephone's revolted expression, was probably not alone in that regard.

"I liked those flowers," she admitted quietly, scowling at the floor. "They were different. I'd never seen anything like them before."

Hades blinked at her, caught off-guard. "Really?" he asked softly, pleased and a little vulnerable, before rallying himself together magnificently and clearing his throat. "Because I have another surprise for you, something else that I've sure you've never seen!"

"Oh joy, what rapture," Persephone muttered, but she allowed Hades to take her arm as their surroundings blurred and shifted - as the master of the underworld, Hades had the ability to transport himself to wherever he needed to go immediately.

They appeared in the middle of a stunningly exquisite field, the gloominess of the caverns replaced by a bright sun shining directly overhead, suffusing the landscape with such bright light that every color became a hundred times more vibrant than their counterparts on earth. Flowers of every type and shade bloomed beneath their feet, each one perfectly formed and a vision of delicate loveliness. Above them, mouthwateringly ripe fruit hung low on branches, so round and luscious that just to look at them was to taste them, crisp and juicy on the tongue. Birds sang beautifully from their perches, so vividly colored that they resembled winged jewels, only without a stone's harsh cold glare. A warm breeze swept by, carrying with it the sweet scents of honey and nectar.

"Congratulations," Hades breathed, not wanting to disturb the tranquility of the moment. "You are the only living being other than myself to ever set foot in the paradise of the Elysium fields."

Persephone surveyed her surroundings critically. "I suppose it's rather pretty," she observed dispassionately. 

"Rather pretty?" Hades spluttered. " _Rather pretty_? You are standing in the hallowed grounds of Elysium, a place where mortals fight and bleed and kill and suffer and die just to be granted the honor of even being _considered_ admittance into, and the only comment you have is _rather pretty_?"

"Very pretty, then," Persephone conceded, and Hades made a choked sound behind her, burying his head into his hands. "Listen, I've frolicked through fields and meadows my whole life. After the twentieth or so, they all start to look the same."

"I don't understand," Hades moaned into his hands. "I don't understand what you _want_."

Persephone sighed, wrinkling her nose at a bluebird that had landed on her shoulder and was chirping cheerfully into her ear. She grasped Hades' chin and met his despairing gaze firmly. "I have been surrounded," she murmured, "by pretty flowers and pretty nymphs and pretty music my entire life. If I am to spend the rest of my days away from my family and friends, I would like to do so in a place as far and away from a meadow as possible. Somewhere exciting, somewhere new, somewhere _oh will you stop that_?" She slapped the bird away irritably, watching with no little satisfaction as the tiny body sailed through the sky. "Surely there's a place in your realms that is not nearly as sickeningly sweet as this one?"

Hades hesitated. "Well, there are the pits of Tartarus, where the souls of doomed mortals writhe in eternal torment and agony. I could show you those?" Persephone's eyes lit up and Hades, encouraged, continued, "And perhaps later you would like to visit the river Phlegethon? It is made out of fire."

Persephone smiled at Hades for the first time since entering his lands and offered him her hand. "Lead the way."

**scene six: feminism is a violent bitch**

It took a while before Hades realized that something was wrong in the land of the dead. He blamed his unnatural lack of perception on Persephone; ever since she started to actually smile at him, Hades found himself walking into walls far more often. She still refused to sit on the throne next to his, preferring to curl up by Cerberus on the floor instead, but their conversations became much friendlier after he discovered her immense interest in his work, _especially_ in the pits of Tartarus.

"It's just a bit uncreative, isn't it?" she had remarked after the tour. "Don't get me wrong, I'm sure whips and racks and flaming wheels are effective, but where's the innovation? Surely not all the punishments need to follow the same formula?"

Hades had responded with, "So what do you suggest, my lady?"

Which was how he found himself with a stack of diagrams six weeks later, each one more disturbingly graphic than the last - although, Hades was gratified to note, the small stick figures bore less and less of a resemblance to himself the further down the stack he went. 

"What's this one?" He examined the parchment curiously. Persephone peered over his shoulder.

"Ah, yes. I call this the Lake of Perpetual Suffering. You take one of the fruit trees from Elysium and plant it in a lake, then tie a man to the tree. Every time the man tries to reach for the fruit, the branches rise beyond his grasp, and every time the man tries to drink from the lake, the water level sinks below his mouth. Thus, perpetual suffering."

Hades stared at Persephone in awe and admiration. "You are truly the perfect woman," he breathed, and Persephone blushed.

It was in fact Persephone who brought the troublesome matter to his attention a few days afterwards, frowning thoughtfully at a couple of numbers she had scrawled onto the floor. "That's odd."

"What's odd?" 

"There's been an enormous increase in the amount of men dying from castrations and wildly violent murders, and yet I can't think of any recent events occurring on the world above that would lead to such a rise." Persephone tapped the figures pensively. "Perhaps the Amazonian women are migrating?"

Hades glanced at the numbers and groaned. "There's a much simpler explanation than that. Someone is trying to send me a message." He sighed. "I'll need to travel to Olympus for a few days; can you look after the place while I'm gone?"

Persephone stared at him, startled. "You're leaving me on my own? _Here_?" 

Hades cursed himself. Of course Persephone would be frightened at the prospect of spending time in the Underworld alone. "It's not that big of a deal if you want me to stay," he hurriedly reassured her, but she shook her head fiercely.

"No, don't worry about me, I'll be fine!" She beamed at him and he flushed under the onslaught of her delighted smile. 

"Right, then." Hades cleared his throat and shuffled awkwardly. "Well. Er. I'm off," and he beat a rather undignified retreat.

Hades found who he was looking for not on Olympus, but in the island of Delos, skinning a rabbit with relished vigor. "Really, Artemis, most gods just leave a message with Charon instead of sending hundreds of men into an agonizingly painful death."

Artemis stabbed the rabbit fiercely, refusing to look at Hades. "I'm sure I don't know what you're talking about. And anyway, whoever these men were, I'm sure they deserved whatever fate you may be alluding to."

"Artemis, if you're still angry at me about Persephone - "

Artemis pointed her hunting knife at Hades' chest and he backed off hurriedly - he knew he could easily defeat Artemis should it come down to a fight, but the sight of a furious woman drenched in blood provokes an automatic reaction in every male. "This isn't about Persephone, this is about _you_ ," she hissed. "You - you - you went to _my brother_ for advice on _women_ and never even once asked me! Apollo is a nitwit! Do you think that I'm thicker than Apollo, Hades?"

"Is that all this is about?" Hades choked. "You're jealous of your brother?"

Artemis sliced off the rabbit's head in one smooth move, and Hades winced. "This was a test, Hades. Pay attention."

"Fine," Hades sighed. "I get it, I'm sorry I went to Apollo before you and I should have known better. Now what is this advice you wish to impart on me?"

"I already told you, didn't I?" Artemis slung the decapitated rabbit over her shoulder, splattering her clothes with blood. " _Pay attention_." She paused. "And do try to patch things up with Demeter. The cold is killing off the game, and I've been forced to find other targets to practice my archery on."

Bewildered and deeply disturbed (although now he knew where Persephone got her inspiration from), he returned to his realms. Penelope greeted him from his throne room with a cheerful update - evidently there had been a quarrel between two enemy warriors who had met up in the afterlife, but she'd easily sorted out. Hades listened to her absently, Artemis's words still ringing in his ears. He noticed how Persephone trailed after him as he walked through the caverns, shooting lingering glances back at the throne rooms, and hesitated. He'd always thought that she feared being left along in the darkness of the underworld, but remembering her excited smile at his departure, he realized that perhaps this was not the case. Perhaps . . . .

He stopped walking abruptly. "Persephone," he said, turning around. "I am not your mother."

Persephone's eyes hardened. "I am well aware of that," she said coldly.

Hades sighed - he seemed to be doing that a lot, lately. "No, what I mean is - " He stumbled over his words, started over again. "I am not your mother. There is no need for you to follow me everywhere I go. I will not get angry at you if you choose to spend your time elsewhere."

"You mean . . . I have permission to go wherever I want?" Persephone breathed, her face radiant with hope.

"As long as you live here," Hades reminded her gently, "you are free to explore anywhere in the underworld at any time. I enjoy your presence and would prefer to spend as much time with you as possible, but I will not bind you to me. However, you need only to call my name, and I will be at your side in an instant."

And even in the gloominess under the shadows of the caverns, Persephone's answering smile was enough to light up the entire room.

**scene seven: the tearful climax (no, not that climax, you pervs)**

Hades saw Persephone less often these days, but when he did, her eyes were always brightly shining with joy and her laughter easily rang out, so he supposed it was a fair trade in the end. He was still trying to get used to contentment being an everyday emotion in his life, as opposed to rage and misery. As the weeks passed, he found it harder and harder to remember when Persephone had not been a major part of his life, casting away all of his troubles with just a simple smile. And so he was rather startled when, one evening, Cerberus growled, warning him to the presence of another god. He found himself even more bewildered when he failed to recognize the young man stumbling across the entrance to the underworld.

"Hadeeeesssshhh!" slurred the clearly inebriated god. "Hadessssssh, you gotta help a brotha out, myman! Yougotta- you gotta do shomething 'bout thish Demeter! She's takin' away the alcohol!"

Hades made a disgusted noise as the god tried to grasp his robes in supplication and missed, tumbling onto the floor instead. "Who on Olympus are you?"

The god blinked blearily up at him. "'M Dion - Dionysh - m' the god of wine! And partying! Woo hooo!"

"They'll make gods out of anything these days, won't they?" muttered Hades, as he tried to stop the guy from pawing at his clothes. "What do you want? And so help me, if you throw up in the river Styx, I will _hunt you to the ends of the earth_."

"Demeter, she's not makin' grapesh anymore!" Dionyshwhatever wheezed, sending a whiff of fermented alcohol and halitosis Hades' way. "No grapesh, no wine, no fun! You gotta give her back Per - Persh - Presh -"

"Try not to have a hernia there, boy genius," Hades drawled. "And I think a little less alcohol may do you some good." He ignored the god's wail of protest. "Besides," he continued quietly, "Persephone doesn't want to go back. She's happy here."

"Is she?" the idiot god asked, bewildered. "Why?" 

Hades opened his mouth to respond, but stiffened when he heard Persephone's soft call in his mind. _Hades, come here_. "Enough," he growled at the slobbering man at his feet. "Cerberus, _attack_." He teleported away, satisfied by the terrified screams of the other god echoing throughout the cavern and arrived by Persephone's side. "What is it? What's the matter?" he asked, breathless, as he scanned their surroundings for danger.

Persephone smiled at him softly. "Nothing's wrong, Hades. I was just wondering what these were." She gestured at the field of shrubs they were standing in, plucking one of the fruits off the branches and examining it curiously.

Hades relaxed. "They're pomegranates."

"Pomegranates?" Persephone held up the crimson fruit and turned it thoughtfully in her hands. "I've never heard of them before."

"The mortals haven't learned how to cultivate the plants yet, although I've been informed that will change soon." He shrugged. "Still, I am rather fond of them, so I grow them here in my realms."

Persephone gaped at him before breaking into delighted laughter. Hades narrowed his eyes suspiciously. "What? What? Are you mocking me?"

Persephone waved a hand at him, then at the gardens, still giggling helplessly. "You - I can't believe you created a garden full of these just so you wouldn't have to _wait_ for the mortals to catch up!" She chuckled, wiping tears of laughter from her eyes. "I think I'm finally beginning to understand you, Hades."

Hades scowled, not understanding the joke, but his irritation quickly faded under Persephone's laughter. "I like pomegranate," he muttered rather sulkily.

She patted his head affectionately and tossed the fruit gently in the air. "How do you eat one of these, anyway? The skin looks too tough to peel."

"Here, let me." He took the pomegranate from her hands and cracked it open, showing her the ruby seeds nestled inside. "You pluck the seeds out and toss away the skin." 

Persephone snorted. "You _would_ pick the most complicated fruit as your favorite," she said wryly, holding up some of the seeds to the light. "Still, they're quite beautiful. Like beaded jewels, almost. It seems almost a shame to eat them." 

Hades watched, his breath stopping in his chest, as Persephone began to move the seeds towards her mouth.

_"She's happy here."  
"Is she? Why?"_

"No, don't," he choked out, and Persephone gave him a questioning look as he grabbed her hands. He shook his head. "If you eat the food of the dead, you will be forced to stay here forever."

Persephone sucked in a startled gasp, dropping the fruit, and Hades' heart plummeted. She stared down at the scattered seeds at her feet, then up into Hades' face, expressionless. Several minutes ticked by, the longest minutes of Hades' life, before she spoke again.

"Isn't that what you want? To have me stay by your side for eternity."

"I thought I did," Hades said to the ground, refusing to look at her face. "But I don't anymore, not if it's not your choice. I want you to be happy, Persephone. To choose your own path."

Persephone grasped Hades' chin and met his eyes. "I've made my choice," she whispered, smiling, and brushed their lips together.

**epilogue: perhaps this is a romance, after all**

It was another five years before Hades saw Eros again, this time in his own realm. No longer a mischievous toddler, he had finally learned the meaning of fear, and his eyes darted around the room nervously. He licked his lips and bowed deeply. "I return Persephone's box to you, along with Psyche's _deepest_ apologies."

Hades smiled - the expression came easily to his face nowadays - and accepted the box. "I am sure that Persephone will be grateful for its return," he intoned gravely, trying to hide his amused grin. Persephone had laughed for _weeks_ when she found out that the silly mortal girl actually believed that beauty could be stored in any sort of container. "Oh, do get up, Eros. You never need to bow to me. I do owe you quite a lot, after all."

Eros' brow wrinkled. "What do you mean?"

"You might not remember it now," Hades smirked, "but five years ago, a certain golden-haired brat stabbed me with one of his love arrows. So I suppose I have you to thank for bringing Persephone and I together."

Eros stared at him. "That can't be right."

"Trust me," Hades said dryly, "I still have the scar."

"No, I remember stabbing you, but it wasn't with a love arrow."

Now it was Hades' turn to gape. " _What_?"

"I had my love arrows taken away from me as punishment for shooting Apollo and didn't get them back until my wings came in," Eros explained, swallowing nervously. "I must have used one of my toy arrows instead. That would explain why there's a scar; usually, people feel nothing when they are impaled with an enchanted arrow."

Hades sat in stupefied silence for a while before his eyes widened. " _Get out_ ," he hissed. "And tell your _mother_ ," he shouted after Eros' rapidly fleeing back, "that the next time I see her, I'm going to kill her!"

"Kill who, my love?" Persephone murmured, gliding in. "And I thought that we agreed there'd be no killings unless I'm around to witness it?"

"Aphrodite," Hades ground out. "She - she - "

"She?" prompted Persephone, wrapping her arms around him. Hades stared at her face, entranced, before shaking his head.

"Nothing," he smiled. "Aphrodite did nothing."

 


End file.
